I’m not exactly the type of person who believes wholly in what some stranger has to say about my life, however I do believe strangers can offer insights on life that I have been otherwise blind to.
I have a friend who reads tarot cards and I find her readings helpful. I’m not sure if it’s just because she knows me so well and I subconsciously use the excuse of a tarot reading. I feel that I am provided good feedback and further insight on current life issues. Regardless of if I believe in it or not, her advice helps. Each reading results in deeper exploration of recent events and emotions, therefore allowing me to sort out my life in a more effective manner.
Today, I received a very brief tarot reading and once again I’ve come across the same problem. I repel all forms of relationships that involve any sort of longterm emotional investment. Keeping friends or boyfriends has never been my strong suit. My problem is that I view most relationships as disposable. In my mind everyone always moves on and no real bonds are lasting. I have left and have been left enough times that the idea of relationships repels me. I would much rather be alone than hurt.
It’s not to say that I don’t have any lasting relationships in my life, because of course I have my family which is quite large, and a few select friendships since high school. I hold these relationships very dear to my heart and they mean the world to me. These people don’t let me walk away from them, they keep me in their lives no matter what.
Because I view other relationships as disposable, I therefore view myself as disposable. Yes, I understand how incredibly insecure that is. I am unsure how to categorize this type of insecurity because in general I am confident and comfortable with who I am. My insecurities lie in “who I am to others”. I don’t have faith that people will stick around. If there has been bumps in the road and no attempt has been made to fix them, I start thinking it’s because the effort isn’t worth it. So if I’m not worth the effort, why should I stick around? It’s a brief summary of how my brain processes these experiences, but you get the gist of it.
So in the end what am I left with? A good knowledge base of why I am the way I am. I suppose the real question is to ask what I am going to do with this knowledge. Should I simply be happy that I am aware of it and carry on as I was, or should I take this knowledge and use it to help improve and create more lasting relationships. Is it really part of life to get hurt, is it really all worth while, when is it enough?
Yes, that’s right. I’m referring to the one lady in your professional career that makes work life a nuisance. Always snooping in your business at work. Constantly questioning what you’re doing. Making you second guess all of your work, therefore making you’re time at work counterproductive since you spend half your time worrying that things have been done correctly.
If you have not already guessed, I indeed happen to have one of these lovely ladies in my workplace and she is a plague on my productivity. Despite her obvious hostile manner towards me, I do my best to make work enjoyable to get along with this broad. I’m soon to be counting down the days when my term is ended and I never have to see her again.
Allow me to paint a picture in your mind of this lady; she is in her mid 40’s, has been divorced twice and is currently working on her third husband, she obviously takes pride in her appearance with a darkly died bob, plenty of makeup, and all the brand name clothing you can think of. She is not a small lady by all means and father time hasn’t exactly been her friend these past years, regardless of this she is still a decently looking woman.
Her appearance most certainly sounds pleasant enough however the moment she opens her mouth you soon come to realize that she is quite self involved and hasn’t much else to talk about unless it’s to of course make me aware of yet another mistake she is having to fix for me. There has been a time or two when I have just finished talking with a coworker she turns around and rolls her eyes as if I am a petulant child. This lady even has the nerve to do online shopping during officer hours whilst complaining that I use my cell phone during coffee break. I have half a mind to take her fancy leather high heels and shove them right up her ass. I’ll leave off here on this rant, if I continue anymore I will become no less petty than she is.
How many dragon ladies have you come across in your life?
— For The Men Who Still Don’t Get It, Carol Diehl (via razzaroniii)
Soo I’m not a hardcore feminist, but this great. Read it!
Some days I find life confusing. I look around and I see so many people living their lives in such different yet similar ways. Seeing everyone around living their lives, really makes me self reflect. When do you find out who you are? How do you decide what to do and why is there such an emphasis on rushing to find a career? More and more I’ve been asking myself these questions.
I suppose in a way, I already know the answers. I know who I am within the experiences life has given me and I’m eager to be presented with new ones. I rush to find a career because the things I hope to have in life involve an education that will allow me to live a desired lifestyle. The trouble with finding a career is finding the right one. The career that I want for a lifetime.
I feel as though finding a career that you love is linked to finding out who you are. When you know your skills and assets you can more accurately find a career that is a suitable match. I’ve spent the last two years working and obtaining some of the defining moments of life. I know I am ready for university however, finding the degree I want is another thing. I’m the type of person who constantly is looking forward to new things that are positive and are “feel good”. I enjoy being happy and it is my number one goal in life to maintain that happiness.
So where does that leave me? I suppose it brings forth the reason I am ready for university. I believe that attending classes and learning new things will further broaden my horizon and allow me to further discover my strengths and weaknesses. Life has only presented me with a small fraction of the experiences it has to offer. There are still many lessons to be learned, both in and out of class.
This is where I’ll leave my thoughts, with an open mind and open heart. Pouring out my ideas to the mass media and slowly making my footprint on life. Wish me luck.
Pretty much a “woe is me” poem from way back, when I thought I could be creative and all “Allan Poe” like lol. Yes I am aware how very far off the comparison is. Regardless, please let me humour your senses:
Oh sweet sorrow,
How I become thee.
Why have I not embraced
Your tender frigid limbs?
The tender limbs of insanity.
Why have I not kissed
Your sweet trembling lips?
The sweet lips of death.
You come to those who wait,
Yet insanity comes to many.
Throw away the heart.
Throw away the desire.
Let the void of nothingness,
Consume and transpire.